


The Pains of Hell (Behold, Thou Art There)

by Meneldur



Category: Kushiel's Legacy - Jacqueline Carey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-21
Updated: 2013-12-21
Packaged: 2018-01-05 11:05:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,614
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1093154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Meneldur/pseuds/Meneldur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of Mara, the first anguisette, and how she came into being.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pains of Hell (Behold, Thou Art There)

**Author's Note:**

> So, it took me forever, but I finally did it. I was very unsure of it, but I tried, and this is where it led me. I've long desired to write a fic about Mara's origin as part of my attempts to expand the history of Terre d'Ange, and especially of my House of Shahrizai. The title as always is from the Bible, this time made by combining a verse from Psalms 116 and 139. Taken a possibly unorthodox interpretation of Mara and her father, but it really works for me – it's my only explanation for Mara's 'cursed blood'. The Lady of Ys comes from a previous fic of mine, which I have yet to upload, but can be found under my username at fanfiction.net. Though I wanted an epilogue, I realized there was really none to be had, and gave up on it (though I may change my mind at a future date should the muse strike me). As always, feedback is welcomed and desired!  
> Dedicated to this, the Longest Night, and to all who celebrate it and the beautiful Kushiel Series, most especially my cousins of Shahrizai, L'Envers and Montreve, jeweledhibiscus, tristesses, and kmo.

And it came to pass that in the Fifth Year of Elua (that is, the fifth year after Elua's coming to Terre d'Ange) that a man was condemned to death for murder most cruel. For though Elua preached love for all, he was not unaware of the need for punishment; and indeed, his teacher was Kushiel himself, the angel of punishment. And so Elua spread not only love, but also justice throughout the land, for what could be more just than the punishment chosen by Kushiel, through which eternal forgiveness and love was promised?  
But Naamah was there, and as was ever her wont, she sought to bring pleasure to all; so she was allowed to lie with the man in his final night, so he might experience the divine pleasure and love of Naamah's embrace. But the man, though handsome with fair skin and eyes of sin, was rough. He used her cruelly, causing her much pain and giving her no pleasure, taking it all for himself. Naamah bore it willingly, for such was her nature, to give pleasure to others, whatever might come. But she was sorely aggrieved at his deliberate denial of her pleasure, only to prove his mastery and further his pleasure; for such a manner of man he was, and that indeed had led to the murder for which he had been condemned. And in the morning, when he was taken to be hanged, Naamah was glad, for he richly deserved his fate; and in her wrath, she cursed him and any of his loins, that they should never know her pleasure alone. Elua was grave at this; but he kept his counsel, knowing it might not be welcome.  
But indeed Elua was right, for Naamah's womb quickened, and a nine-month later, after many hours of toil, blood, sweat, and tears she gave birth to a daughter, and all knew it was the murderer's get, for her fair skin and eyes of coal. Then Naamah thrust the child away from her, and would not nurse her, crying out that she had vowed to give no pleasure to the seed of the murderer who had tormented her, though she was her own. And the child was called Mara, that is bitter; for Naamah had no pleasure in her, and would not acknowledge her except to banish her from her sight. So the child grew, unwanted and grave, following in Naamah's train in her travels of Terre d'Ange. And when Naamah settled in what would be Namarre, she was given a room far from the others, who shunned her as their mistress did.

________________________________________

So Mara grew up from a lonely child to a lonely young lady. Though shunned, she was never ill-treated; and she seemed to find a quiet contentment, if not happiness, in her state. As she grew and was capable of sustaining herself, her quarters moved further and further away from the others, until she was living in a cabin at the edges of the forest. This seemed good for her; and the retinue of Naamah whispered she was friends with the animals, even the predators, and they brought her food and other animals to eat. And indeed, Mara's cabin was decorated with the remnants of many animals, from rabbits to deer, and even a rare pelt of some predator, a wolf or a wolverine, mayhap. Though none were her friends, she was a favored object of gossip; but she was never bullied or preyed on. It was not for fear or love of Naamah, though; rather, they feared Mara's black eyes, and whispered that they were evil. Indeed, the few who had at first ridiculed or tormented Mara found themselves the object of small misfortunes, such as sudden slips and falls, or some favored possession damaged. And so they learned to leave her alone, whispering to each other of her cursed nature and evil eyes.

________________________________________

It came to pass that when Mara had recently turned seventeen, Kushiel, wandering the lands in search of followers, came with his entourage to visit Naamah in her dwelling. For though he had taken for himself the land of Kusheth, and built his dwelling there, he still did not have many who followed or served him, as they did the other companions. Many flocked to Naamah, Eisheth, Camael or Anael; for they knew the value of the arts and disciplines they taught, and found them pleasing. But few understood the importance of punishment, nor indeed the value of Kushiel's mercy; so perforce he had to seek them out through the land, and so he came upon Naamah's dwelling. While his entourage was settled, Naamah introduced him to her household, and he looked at them all, taking in their measure with his stern eyes. And though many blushed with shame or dropped their gaze in fear, Mara, from her place in the rear, stared at him brazenly, with neither fear nor shame. But when his eyes met hers, she found it more of a challenge; and she felt a shiver deep in her body, reverberating in her very soul. Throughout the feast that followed, Mara would continually steal glances at the dais where he sat, though none saw it from her place at the foot of the table; but if Kushiel perceived it, he did not show it, not even looking for her, leaving her wondering.  
After the feast, most retired to their rooms, but Naamah and Kushiel stayed in the hall, discussing matters both weighty and light. And Mara lurked, hiding herself from all others, so that none knew where she had gone. But when Kushiel approached his rooms, she met him before the doors, and her gaze which had been brazen before was now lowered. She stood before him, tall yet meek, solid yet humble, and inclined her head to him.  
"My lord, I have sinned against many, and caused pain to more. Often it was justified, or so it seemed to me at the time; for I told myself I was punishing those who had harmed me. But I have continued, in whatever way I could, even when it was no longer needed; and never before I have felt guilt for this, nor ever was I ashamed, until you looked at me. My lord, I am a sinner, and I am not repentant; as the Punisher of God that was, I beg your succor: free me from this burden!"  
Kushiel stared at her hard and long, and at last offered her his hand; and when she took it, he took her to his rooms, and opened the door without speaking. There, on the bed, was a woman fairer than any of the angel-born, of surpassing beauty and ladyship; and she was cruelly bound, and marked with punishment. "This is my wife, who was the Lady of Ys", he told Mara. "She is doing penance for her sins, and the pain she has caused others. She has learned to accept this correction, and so must we all suffer, when we do not hold to the tenet Elua has given us. Better in this life, than the pain of the hell I once guarded. But punishment and pain are but the tools given to me to wield against mortals; for the true measure of forgiveness lies in repentance, and forgiving oneself. And this, you do not have; the curse of your father's blood prevents you from such, even were your correction applied by the Punisher of God Himself."  
At this, Mara wept, despairing of all, "If it so, and there is indeed no hope for me, it is better that I seek those pains of hell, rather than remain here to cause others to suffer, only to fall in those pits to further torment when my time here has ended."  
Then Kushiel looked at her, and in his face was the light of redemption. "But you are indeed repentant, even if it is only in this moment, in my full presence that this is possible; and so I can offer you a choice. I cannot remove the curse your father's blood has given you, for that is God's Will, and none of us can change that. But I can offer you a gift upon it, that some would call a curse. In times past and in times again, I can prick mortals with my dart; then they know me always, and my presence is ever with them. For all their pain is transformed to pleasure, and they desire nothing more than correction and punishment, that leads them to joy and enlightenment. But this is no easy gift; for if you take it, you will carry this until the day you die, and serve me as my handmaiden, in this life and the next."  
Then Mara was afraid; for though she desired redemption, she had never enjoyed the pains inflicted on her, and she was yet young, not yet full grown, and reluctant to swear even to this angel, whom she did not know. But through her tears, she saw the Lady of Ys nod, despite the pain it must have brought to her to struggle so against the binds; and she then knew that she would have a companion on this journey, and that love and forgiveness lay at its end. So she accepted; and that night, Kushiel and the Lady of Ys toiled with her, teaching her the sweet embrace of pain, and the painful throb of pleasure, and the light of love and forgiveness. And when she opened her eyes to see the morning sunlight, lying between Kushiel and his Lady, her black eyes held a mote of scarlet.


End file.
